Blabbers

You know them; everyone does. They call you to ask if you want to go see really good movie that just came out; they loved it so much that they’re going again. Why not? You’ve been meaning to go for what seems like ages. So you invite a couple other friends and make an outing of it, popcorn and all.

You sit through the trailers and advertisements and finally it’s time for the feature presentation. You’ve been waiting for this for a while. The first big scene comes up and you’re really getting excited, wondering how the protagonist will ever find his way out of such imminent peril, when your friend leans over and whispers something in your ear.

Your friend blabs, revealing major plot twists long before they happen, and your entire evening is now ruined.

Why would anyone in their right mind spend six dollars to watch a movie (not to mention another three or four for popcorn) when the person sitting next to them is going to reveal everything right before it happens? It’s not good at all, no matter how you slice it.

First of all, if you’re the blabber, your friend is likely angry with you and you have no idea why. A hint: shut up and watch the movie! No one was blabbing in your ear when you went to see it. Maybe that’s why you loved it so much; you actually had to guess what was going to happen next. What makes you think your friend is going to love the movie if you keep ruining everything?

If you’re the blabbee, you now no longer feel like watching the movie because you spent a decent chunk of change to go see it when you could have gotten the Cliffs Notes version for free. Why did you even go with him, anyway? You knew he was a blabber. At least you could’ve sat somewhere else, not next to him. Now you’re kicking yourself because three hours and ten dollars now seem wasted.

It’s not good for Hollywood either. Blabbees will either order the Cliffs Notes version from their friend and end up not seeing the movie or refuse to take the blabbers with them to the theater. Either way, it’s a lost ticket sale (not to mention the lost concessions revenue).

However, I have a solution! You must have at least one non-blabber who has already seen the movie (and wants to see it again). There are plenty of people like this around; if you can’t find one that you know of, grab one off the streets. Now, when sitting down to watch the movie, seat all blabbers to the left and all those who haven’t seen the movie to the right. Pad the middle with the non-blabber veterans. This way, if a blabber leans over to reveal anything major, it won’t be heard by anyone whose day will be ruined if they hear it.

But wait, it gets better!

Have the blabber buy a big bucket of popcorn for the group (after all, he invited you). But because he’s all the way to the left, he won’t get as much as everyone else.

People in the middle get the bucket as it is passed both ways, but those on the end only get it half as much. Sure, you’re on the other end, but think of it as a worthy sacrifice to help you better enjoy the movie. Besides, the blabber bought the popcorn, not you, so what little popcorn you might happen eat would be free! And all popcorn does is make you thirsty. So the blabber will have already purchased his jumbo soda (which he won’t need), but you will be quite satisfied with your small water. This arrangement actually saves you money!

So, enjoy the movie, whatever it may be. And good luck getting this to actually work!